A Reflection on a Leather Getaway

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

    I’ll admit that I haven’t been as active on this blog as I wanted or should be. I got a ton of drafts and yet none have truly been finished, but seeing as the subject matter of this post is so recent, I feel the need to get something out there while it’s still fresh. 

    As I’m writing I’m still in the comedown from a weekend at LA Leather Getaway, an event held by the CLAW Staff in Los Angeles, California over Thanksgiving weekend. While this was the third event they’ve held in the city of angels, this is my second time attending. And it was incredible. As a bootblack I was not only treated very well by the event, but had an enjoyable time working the stands and shooting the breeze with some amazing LA bootblacks; I really felt welcome around them and was thankful that they tolerated all of my jokes, but I digress. I got to reconnect with some wonderful Leatherfolk, smoke a few cigars, and also meet some new people and have some inspiring conversations (shoutout to the men from Gauntlet who had awesome vests and great stories.) 

    In the reflection of the halcyon days I just experienced I can’t help but remember how I felt leaving my previous stint at LA Leather Getaway, which would have made for a very different blog post. Sure, I had more action last year than I did this time around (hell I bought more books and magazines than gear by a factor of 2, not that I'm complaining as I'm always down for more reading material,) sure I got to meet someone who’d become one of my mentors in the world of SM who would issue what I could best describe as the SM equivalent of a baptism (I should write about that sometime,) but in general it felt… different.

    I had just gone to my first club run, watched my first contest, but 2022’s Leather Getaway was my first foray into attending an event of that size. Most of that weekend was spent wandering the dungeon space and feeling like a ghost, going to the darkroom and feeling relatively invisible, hanging out on the cigar deck and being surrounded by men who all embodied everything I hoped to be and seeing them enraptured in conversation or watching the cherry of their cigars burn bright red with each puff to really even notice me. And I mean, why would they when they’re surrounded by their friends and peers whom they may not have seen in ages?

    Because of all of that, overall I didn’t truly feel like I belonged at an event like that, at least quite yet. But why? I think it's a combination of a lot of things, which really all can be boiled down to a single word: time. I will unabashedly acknowledge that my patience is... less than stellar, especially when I get so overwhelmed with passion (not even necessarily sexually, but more "let me at 'em," if that makes sense) that unless that passion is converted into something behavioral it feeds my internal doubt. It's leaping off the high dive only to have the pool drain completely out from under me; sure, I can be flashy, but unless I hit water as opposed to the warm embrace of tile or concrete my outlook sours fast. My imposter syndrome can be a cruel beast, as I've demonstrated both on this blog and in my Twitter feed from time to time. It devours that awkward loneliness of feeling either too out of place despite donning the attire of those around me (or as much as I could at the time,) and the anxiety of approaching someone and feeling not wanted or welcome, especially to those who exude the energy of someone that leans particularly Dominant. And so I'd stand there and take it all in, feeling like I was still a specter in spite of standing in spaces lifted from the scenes of Leathermen that had drawn me into this world in the first place.

    But with time comes change, as it naturally does. Between these two LA Leather Getaways I've gone to more events, met more people. I guess in a way I've become more sure of myself and my place in all of this. Sure, in many ways I may not be where I want to be yet, whether that be in terms of my body, my abilities in a playspace, or willingness to be more forward with those I'm attracted to in person and being ready for the chance that sometimes like is just looking for like. On paper my in-person involvement with Leather pales in comparison to many. Obviously that notion has not and will not stop me from pressing onward because that's the only way I can truly rectify that disparity. I know how vital it is to my growth as a Leatherman to keep going.

    With that I bring another blog post to a close. Here’s hoping I can actually be a bit more consistent with these things, yeah? Yeah. 

To Leather, love, and living truthfully,

-TNS