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On 2024 CE

 OR Reflection on the Past Year, But in Blog Form 


The final hours of 2024 are winding down, but over the past few days I’ve been reflecting on the past year and what’s ahead. 


Is it bad that I don’t know quite what to make of it?


For most of the past year I served as my area’s local titleholder, a topic that I’ve already expounded upon enough so I’ll do my best not to tread too much old ground. Funnily enough I looked back on my posts over the past year as part of my processing. 


The charitable would call it vulnerability. The cynical would call it whining. And this duality in particular has been on my mind as I’ve been closing out the year. I’ve met a lot of great people over the past 365 days, and continued developing relationships with those I had already known. I know that I should be grateful for what I’ve been able to experience and accomplish over the past year. And make no mistake, I definitely am. But there’s something about it that feels bittersweet, or perhaps more bitter than sweet, like if you were to dilute the coating on a coin battery until it was not as severe but still noticeable on the tongue. Off, in a way, if that makes sense. 


Upon reflection it’s all brought up two particular fears of mine: the fear that the people that are actively in my life feel taken advantage of, and the fear that those that I want to establish stronger connections with have utilized a sort of “grey rock” approach to our interactions as a way to avoid engaging. Of course the simple solution would be, in both cases, to not care what others think. That those that are in my life get nothing but my best, and those that aren’t are simply missing out. But regardless of the brief snippets the world observes I still see myself as quite flawed, and while I know that I should believe that I’m perfect just the way I am, I know I’ve hurt people I care about in the past. Awareness, in theory, breeds improvement. You can acknowledge that you’re loved while knowing deep down maintaining it requires vigilance. 


As far as resolutions are concerned, maybe I’ll think of some eventually. I’ve never been a quantitative guy. Take things as they come, walk through open doors, continue the endless search of finding myself and perfecting whatever that self is. Because perfection, to me, is logarithmic; you can stretch for eternity, climbing ever closer, but far from finite. 


So, uh, here’s to chasing the infinite. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 31, 2024 at 7:59 PM

    You should blog more often. Nearly all of us have self-doubts and insecurities. You share yours unashamedly. That reminds us we need to find people we can unload those feelings to. On? Fortunately in person there’s no harm in not being as skilled in choosing the right word as you are.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 27, 2025 at 10:24 AM

    I wonder what one’s response to the question of whether they have or haven’t licked the child deterrent coating of a button battery reveals about their personality.

    ReplyDelete

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